Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé