Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has