Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Sticker placement is key.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”