Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Just parrot things
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.