Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
LMAO
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”