interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
She was REALLY feeling it.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Y’all know who you are.