Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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JESUS: so I’m u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.
Especially since you walked there.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.
BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.
BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT
I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking
PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.
UNITED: Hold my beer.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*