@bonehugsnirony

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

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@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@Phook75

I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking

@Mikel_Jollett

PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*