@JerpsBerps

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

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@isabelzawtun

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

@Alex_N_Chains

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@JustMeTurtle

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly