Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no