@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

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@Duke1173

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

@Marlebean

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

@3sunzzz

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@IamEnidColeslaw

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

@captainkalvis

me: i’d like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: sir, this is a McDonald’s

me: oh my bad. i’d like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm

employee: perfect, see you then