Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS