Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Thanks for the clarification, Dad.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’
uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.