@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@panmidwest

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

@shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@ThugRaccoons

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

@GrantTanaka

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

@hippieswordfish

‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’

uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal

@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

@djdarrellripley

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.