@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

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@prawn_meat

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

@AristotlesNZ

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

@daplusk

Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online

@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@UncleDuke1969

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@BoLenerf

Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.