casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.