INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.


JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?


Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.


Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together


u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap



uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal


need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it


Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.