INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.