“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Incredible customer service.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.