At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it