Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
this is the most humiliating day of my life
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂