Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
North and South
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Sharon I have some bad news