Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.


I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.


Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.


*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd


[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*


HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked


Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.


I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.