@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

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@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

@abrosenthal

“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials

@theshamingofjay

My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood

@bossy_bootz

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

@thepunningman

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier