Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city