Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You Might Also Like
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”