@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

You Might Also Like

@OrigamiDad

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

@JohnLyonTweets

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@MoneypennyNaked

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

@KeithAshers

Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.

@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”