Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.


Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.


Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.


I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.


[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-



[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-



[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later


Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.


My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”