Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You Might Also Like
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.