Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple