What moisturiser do bullfighters use? Olay.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
You Might Also Like
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
batsignal illuminates the night
*mothman slams right into it*
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.