INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.


Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them


“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it


Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.


My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.


“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.


BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…