@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

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@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

@MyNameIsArchaic

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

@NicCageMatch

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

@Jeffwni

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

@FKACornshucks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

@MNateShyamalan

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones