INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
You Might Also Like
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.