[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.