@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

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@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@usermcuserface

Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*

@SadieSkyNinja

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

@Thereeveryday

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

@dave_cactus

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

@iwearaonesie

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

@3sunzzz

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.