INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.