INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct