Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
The answer is funnier than the question
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Every time.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!