Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders