I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.