@ClichedOut

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

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@CulturedRuffian

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

@lasergirl70

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@ColoradoCrow

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

@newLettuce

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@chrisscamurra

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.