If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
C: your name is “local resident”?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.