@ClichedOut

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

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@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

@DrakeGatsby

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@Paige__xxx

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.