@ClichedOut
@heyevergreen
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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@heyevergreen
@iGreenGod
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
@BoomBoomBetty
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
@_Tempo11
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
@MrsMikePatton
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
@Lisa_Laughs_
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
@BenSasse
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
@lisaxy424
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
@MartaEffing
I shouldn’t.
Ambien: YES. You should.
But I’m naked.
A: EXACTLY.
Ok, fine.
*stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!
@MaryKoCo
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”