Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Merry Christmas
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.