Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Ambien: YES. You should.
But I’m naked.
*stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”