@ClichedOut

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

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@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@BoomBoomBetty

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@MartaEffing

I shouldn’t.

Ambien: YES. You should.

But I’m naked.

A: EXACTLY.

Ok, fine.

*stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!

@MaryKoCo

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”