Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it


*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”


I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.


I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.


Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”


Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?