@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

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@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

@ThisOneSayz

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

@McGrumpenstein

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident