Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
tourist season
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If snakes were wide
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.