Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My last name is Zilla.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.