Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.