INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.