@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

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@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”

– I yell to my children

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@lucidchemistry

I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story

@pan_duh

a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake

@spaceboyriley

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

@dumbbeezie

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

@AndLookPretty

If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?

Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?

Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.

Husband: That works.

@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife