“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?
Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?
Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.
Husband: That works.
Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife