Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow