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@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why should we hire you?
Me: so I can pay my rent
@EtobicokeErnie: If your wife asks what would you do without me?
ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer
@SteveDutzy: Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
@LOUD_Thoughts_: I have a condition that I eat when I can't sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
@ThisOneSayz: Unlike in Westworld, "freeze all motor functions" does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
@Social_Mime: You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.