we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
that wasn’t the question
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me