luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[first day as an archaeologist]
COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired
Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
Me: *more forcefully* fries.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*