@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as an archaeologist]

ME: *digging*

COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired

@tiffaynay

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@fro_vo

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@aveuaskew

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*