Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.