@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

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@MooseAllain

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

@saucy_peaches

Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@joshgondelman

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@LostFelicia

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

@JohnLyonTweets

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@LizHackett

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”