interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.


Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…


BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!


I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.


[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern


If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.


I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.


I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.


Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”