Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it