interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
i love meeting boys on tinder
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?