INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands