@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

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@TheHatStore

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

@astutenewf

Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

@wildethingy

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@3sunzzz

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@momtribevibe

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami