INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

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me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room


Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.


To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!


My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.


I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.


Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine


God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.


If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.


My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing


Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami