INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?