CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.
*climbs into windowless van*
*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*
*heads out to make new friends*
*waits for lawyer in windowless room*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*