@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

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@stevedildarian

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

@HaliPhacks

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@jordan_stratton

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

@kibblesmith

Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?

@B_poling82

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.

@UncleDuke1969

*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*

*fails*

*waits for lawyer in windowless room*

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*