INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind