interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
My ideal weight is five million dollars
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.