INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.