Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
You Might Also Like
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Can. I. Help. You.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix