Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.