@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

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@Sassafrantz

Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.

@yonewt

Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

@Jay_FrickinLynn

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@

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@ElgatoEsmio

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

@RidiculousSheri

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS